Anal Hallucinations

I don't fancy American bathrooms, they're not designed to be sanitary or to sanitize without great inconvenience. Take the toilet -- why the fuck isn't it in the middle of a downward sloping floor with a drain so that it is so convenient to blast the thing with water (from the shower head) and clean it down, that it gets cleaned effortlessly and often? (And without nasty chemicals)

That brings us to the shower head. Not only is it permanently wall mounted, so that you can't clean your toilet, but you also have no way of cleaning your nastiest bit without doing a fucking headstand. Are you fucking kidding me?

So the best I can do when it's time is crank up the heat, make sure water is coming out full blast, and stick my ass as high up in the air as possible while spreading my ass cheeks and get that sucker clean as a whistle... but not clean as if America had proper fucking shower heads.

Anyway, ... every time I would spread my ass checks for the lovely blast of freshness I noticed that I would instantaneously start smelling the STRONG FUMING SMELL OF RAW UNKEMPT ASS. Of course, that's what one would expect when showering, yeah? You are showering cause you are fucking dirty, not fresh and clean.

But then it struck me, an epiphany of profound proportions...

How is it that I can instantaneously smell ass? Can the smell of ass travel faster than the speed of light?

Meanwhile, when I want to take a shower in a bathroom right after one of my brothers has taken a nasty shit -- I always run in with my shirt covering my mouth and nose and turn on the shower water full blast and jump in. I can almost totally avoid getting their shit smell particles into my nose in this way (though I HATE the fact that my eyes are unprotected -- and just to know that something from my brother's anus is in my eyes really freaks me out)...

I believe it is the water vapor that spreads through the room and absorbs those shit smell particles and neutralizes the smell so that all I smell is fresh water.

And this is what struck me -- if I use the shower to BLOCK the smell of ass, how is it that when I am fully submerged in a stream of strong water that the smell can escape without being fully absorbed in the water particles -- and still make it to my nose??

FUCKING EH MAN. FUCKING EH.

This is when I reached my profound conclusion -- the very act of spreading my ass cheeks mental prepares me to smell the smell of ass... and in this case actually INDUCES A OLFACTORY HALLUCINATION OF THE SMELL OF ASS!!!

Of course, I still need a friend's help to verify -- I want to spread my ass in the shower and let a friend get a whiff and see if he can actually smell any ass or it's just me.

A Work Of Genius

It is rare that you can find something written by someone genuinely inflicted with immense mental illness, ... I savour such masterpieces when I run across them. Here is a gem I discovered on the image board ichan today and feel deserves a permanent home on the internet (image boards don't archive permanently) :


What you can't see that wants the stadium lights left all night and an attack dog ban by the year 2011,abducts 38,000 children each year,suffocates people who sleep alone and attacks their genitals,may be planning an anal attack when your naked or in your bathrobe.I wonder how many gun lock keys are going to vanish mysteriosly this year and if the alarm is going to get pulled down when I'm wearing that sound amplifier that I bought.By the way many people you'd least suspect, big mouths,bossers and most of the other creepfaces are being run by women who tell them what to do and say.The thing your living with is leaving the windows and doors open so they can get in,if they don't already have the keys and may be planning to attack you.That's why they don't want people on the streets at 1 or 2 in the morning bothering what you can't see at the stores you think are closed.How many pensioned seniors are going to get popped


this week from a bullet that comes out of nowhere.That's where the creeps you look at are hiding every night,skip out for a few minutes from our slower time.

Microsoft and their .Net BULLSHIT, rejection of spirituality

.Net literature (propaganda) brags on and on about how you can use an integer and polymorphise it across languages into C# due to the root class System.Object, but is this not extremely physical realm biased? What use is it to half of the human existence which is in the spiritual realm, what support is there for spiritual energy or a soul?

MICROSOFT HAS NO SOUL, MICROSOFT FUNDAMENTALLY REJECTS THE CONCEPT OF SOLE IN A MORBID ATTEMPT TO ABSOLVE THE QUESTIONS THEY POINT ON THEMSELVES WITH THEIR MOTHERCUNTING .NET TECHNOLOGY.

Cry me a fucking river...

Am I the only one who is sick and fucking tired about hearing about these Africans who have to live on "as little as a dollar a day" on the television?

Well bloody hell, you could buy a lot, I bet, in Africa for a hootin' dollar. How about in BUMFUCK America where I am? I am lucky if I can get away with charging a $.99 episode of 24 to my mom's credit card on iTunes. On the odd weekend she lets me borrow the car and I can get a $.99 parfait and $.99 sweat tea at McDonalds. A dollar a MOTHER FUCKING DAY? I WISH I HAD THE LUXURY.

So how about some consideration for us Americans who have to live on less than a dollar a day? Where is the fucking sympathy, CRY ME A RIVER, STARTING NOW!

Jackoff License

Two important questions about jacking off that are on my mind these days:

(1) Isn't part of the money we pay to purchase porn a sort of license for even the sickest, ugliest, most slothful fuck of society to get to see the pussy of the most beautiful girl being hammer, and so from it jack off and gain pleasure he never could have been afforded 200 years ago (before the existence of good porn)? In essense, I propose that you are paying for the girl to get naked on video so that you will be blessed with access to viewing pussy that you don't have access to fucking. Also the girl knows what is going to happen with that porn, so she is, through the passage of money, giving sanction to what you will do with it. There should be not guilt involved -- unless you are a fucking pirate.

On the other hand -- this definitely means it is wrong, fucking wrong and immoral to be jacking off to Facebook photos, like so many of teenagers do these days. Those girls did not friend you to implicitly give sanction to your jacking off on their photos, they had no fucking CLUE that is what your intentions were you mother fucking dweeb!!!

Now the other thing... jacking off to underage girls, by no goddamn stretch of the imagination whatsoever should the faggots that read my blog thing this implies *I* would do such a thing, but I have a theory that I wonder if you fucking perverts can confirm or deny, a law of masturbation, which I propose as below:

[By the way, I am talking about FULLY CLOTHED, not illegal images.]

(masturbation postulate #3): The wrongness of jacking off to underage girls is wrong to the degree that the girl is young and NOT A CELEBRITY. Celebrity status "virtually" increases a girl's age by 8 years, so jacking off to a 10 year old celebrity would be the equivalent, morally, to jacking off the a non-celebrity 18 year old's Facebook photo.

You decide:

Underpants Tags - Sometime They Get Crusty

So you're finally fat enough that your mum can tell your little brother's underwear from yours by sheer size, and there is no worries about confusion with your dad's — mum need only give you the stack without all those skidmarks. If you are so lucky as me in these two regards, this is to say the little '46' brand tags are no longer serving their purpose in differentiating and there is no point in letting them continue to go to waste! ESPECIALLY WHEN they have gotten crusty from 8-9 years of service and are scratchy on your backside. Quickly head to your underwear drawer and peel off as many as you can without actually damaging the elastic band. Tip: The oldest crustiest underwear with inelastic elastic tend to be the most conducive to having their tag peeled away. Now you need ask yourself but a few question to find a good use for all these tags: how comfortable would YOU feel if you saw a '46' criggly old man's underwear tag laying on the counter at the all-you-can-eat Chinese, on the keyboard of a public library internet terminal, or simply had it ACCIDENTALLY handed to you amidst a stack of crinkled bills and tip if YOU were the pizza deliver boy collecting delivery pizza money? You'd have questions for sure, and not to say this conclusively and definitely (hey, different strokes for different folks), but: you probably WOULDN'T be terribly pleased at the prospect of having to touch it. Got the idea? GO!

Hot Chocolate Mixing Delimma Solved!

I solved the eternal dilemma of how to mix your hot cocoa without dirtying more silverware that you know you are too lazy to clean later, and simultaneously avoid sacrificing the trees needed for a chopstick (as well as leaving one lonely chop).

USE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH. Ever realize how rarely your sterilize it yet willing you put it in your mouth twice daily? Simultaneously accomplishing two things: (1) mixing without using silverware (2) stirilizing the toothbrush with boiling water.

To those idiots who question the sanitation of my technique, need I remind you — you would have been putting that sucker in your mouth for months down the road \\ likely without any sanitation in between so WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? So you swallow some chunks that were boiled to germ death along with the chocolate. Is it so much worse that swishing them about and spitting them out later? It's not like you aren't jamming some in there while brushing others out.

By the way, to my friends reading this and who previously marveled at the COMPLETELY UNORDINARY TASTE due to the 'secret' ingredient in my otherwise exceptionally ordinary Swiss Miss powder-derived hot cocoa that I have served you at my home — rather unintentionally, it seems my secret has now been let out of the box here, huh? Well, whatever, just please give me credit if you serve your own guests. =D

*SLEEP THROAT-RAPE DEMON*

Many mornings I awaken with an inexplicable raw and dry throat. I've concluded this does not coincide with any standard medical symptoms, nor is the cause environmental in any respect. Such can only be attributed to the work of a sleep throat-rape demon. I've concluded that this creature finds me amidst a very deep state of sleep, so that I will not be easliy roused. At this point he may gas me with some substance, or possibly injects some such that I will remain unconscious until long after the conclusion of his work. Thence he prys open my mouth and inserts his genitalia, face fucking me to his thorough content, and necessarily my throat is worn raw. 

Needless to say, I am not in the lest amused by the actions of this vile creature. I will do everything in my power to end this cycle of abuse, limited but to the utter annihilation of its causation. If you are the throat-raping sleep demon, and you are reading this--you are going to be one sorry son of a bitch when I find you.

Violence against environmentalists—thoroughly justified.

Next time you take a shit and have to flush 3 fucking times just to get the load down safely without worrying it will overflow, like shitting isn't stressful enough, remember—and take your hatred AND PROPENSITY FOR PRIMAL VIOLENCE out on a fucking environmentalist. Thank them for the fact that you MUST flush the toilet 3 goddamned times EVERY time you want to let a warm wet load out of your ass, because of the federal law this idiotic ideology has legislated mandating a limit upon the amount of water which can be expended in a single flush. Drive the fact home with a force that puncture the flesh of these thugs.

I'm not ready and sure this particular problem is worth my ultimate inevitable march towards doing something or other well justified that is a deserving and worthy cause of the prison sentence it will entail, but just to put the idea out there: when you read shit like Hannibal the cannibal and these Germans willingly eating each other's cocks and cannibilizing each other, and these Austrians keeping their pregnant sex slave daughters in the basement, I wouldn't IN THE VERY TINY LEAST have anything short of a very contented smile on my face if I SO HAPPENED to read in the paper that a contingent of environmentalists were captured by the SICKEST OF SICK a group of escaped mental institution psychopaths, and I'm sorry to imagine psychopathy often precludes such great organization as would be required, and strapped them down and strapped their mouths open and STUFFED THEM WITH SHIT on a daily basis just like those disgusting quails or whatever the French stuff and engorge with food to no end and tie their mouths shut in preparation for cooking them up and some good eating some time later.

JUSTICE CAN EXIST IN THIS WORLD, IF ONLY SOMEONE OUT THERE HELP MAKE IT A REALITY. IS THIS GIVING YOU ANY IDEAS?

Quick Tip: Entering the tunneling vortex in the toilet.

Once I urinated into another universe. You see if you perfectly syncronize your urine stream to within 10 milliseconds of the swirling flush vortex such that 50% of the urine enters the vortex before mid-flush, and 50% enters after mid-flush but before flush completion, then it will pass through. Once I believe I got a turd through, and I really laughed my ass off wondering if it rained down in another world and hit somebody in their freshly dry-cleaned clothing right on the head.

SugaBaba Can't Get It Up Without A Camera In Hand

SugaBaba, a legend and one of my heroes of InternationSexGuide.Info fame, on video addiction:


"I must be a video addict. Just having sex with a fresh, virtually untouched 19 yr. old was not satisfying in and of itself because I couldn't take pictures. At this rate, I'm afraid I won't be able to bone any girl without a videocam glued to my hand. I may not be able to get an erection if my videocam batteries are not fully charged, and a spanking new blank tape is not inserted and ready to go. A video sex addict is what I have become. Is there any hope of return to normalcy? Can I ever have sex again without pondering how to frame the shot, compensate for lighting, and edit for non-monotonous variety of scenes? Sex will never be the same. I'm hooked on viedo sex. Need to contact Rob Lowe, maybe he can give some advice." origin